He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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