Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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