I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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