yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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