Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
