i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
