I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have fence marks all over my body
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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