Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
