How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
