i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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