I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
