Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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