Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
