My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
