I hate your face
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
