Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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