i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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