On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
