Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
