Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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