Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
