wrigley field is MILF paradise
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
