Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
