he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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