I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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