i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
