Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
