Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I love having hate sex.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
