I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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