It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
