Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
