hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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