It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
