Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
