Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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