dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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