recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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