I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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