Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
