im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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