He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
