I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
