I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
