I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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