wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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