I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
