I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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