the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
