Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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