he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
