The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Randomize
