she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
