capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you made out with another girl for some wings
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
