I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
