New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
